Dear Applicants

Thank you for your interest in the new BMW

BMW SA acknowledges your dream of owning one. We however regret to inform you that after looking at your payslip even after your Bonus, your application was unsuccessful and you can never afford a BMW in the near future.

We appreciate your dreams and your desires but our brand is not for the third class people like you. We would be glad if you don’t insult us with your pay slip again and we have attached it to this email to rid ourselves of it. I have also forwarded your details to TATA for consideration.

Regards

*

General Manager: BMW Brand Management *Marilyn Sanderson

Sex-Insurance: Recent studies have shown increasing demand of people not only seeking life insurance, but more specifically Sex-Insurance.

The insurance companies have formulated the following options:

Option 1:

If you sleep with your wife

- LEGAL & GENERAL

Option 2:

If you sleep with your wife in your car

- AUTO & GENERAL

Option 3:

If you sleep with someone else’s wife:

- MUTUAL & FEDERAL

Option 4:

Sleeping with your mother-in-law

- OLD MUTUAL

Option 5:

If you sleep with a Bushman-girl

- SANLAM

Option 6:

Sleeping with more than one person at the same time

- PRESTASIE MULTIPLEX

Option 7:

Taking advantage of the person you sleep with

- LIBERTY LIFE

Option 8:

Man sleeping with another man

- HOLLARD

Option 9:

Having sex on the spur of the moment

- MOMENTUM

Option 10:

Sleeping with your ex-wife

- OUTSURANCE

Option 11:

Sleeping with a prostitute

- BUDGET

Option 12:

Having sex with someone you don’t even know – DISCOVERY

Option 13:

Having sex with a virgin.

-First for women

*It’s not difficult to make a woman happy…* *A man only needs to be:* * 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8.. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29.. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34.. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49 not stress her out 50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52.. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes*

* HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY*

*1. Show up naked* * 2. Bring alcohol*

AN Aussie walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says…

“Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.” The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, Not a cow.” The gent replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”

1. One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.
2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.
3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.
4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.
5. This means that the throughput of a man’s member is equal to (37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 Megabytes/s = 1 769 472 000 000 000 bytes/second = 1609.325408935547 Terabytes/sec. (In data line / network terms a 12 874.5 Terabit Line)

This means that the female egg cell withstands this DDoS attack at 1,6 terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package, thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!

The downside of it is that this only small data package that it lets through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

*Choosing a wife **

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. **

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed. ** ** **

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts… She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed. ** ** **

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. ** **

Obviously, the man was impressed. ** ** **

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

**Then** **he married the one with the biggest tits.** ** ** Men are like that, you know.*

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

*And that’s how the fight started…*

Here’s the letter the teacher received the next day:*

Dear Mrs. Jackson,*

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Bunnings and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week after the floods hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had and then I found one more in stock and several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn’t show me dancing around a pole. It’s supposed to depict me selling the last shovel we had in the store. From now on I will remember to check her homework before she hands it in. *

Sincerely, Erica Cameron*

* For homework, a class in NSW were asked to draw their parents at work. This is Jessica’s drawing:*